You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
