My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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