I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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