Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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