Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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