We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
we should paint friendship bongs
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