We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
