now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
