my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
