No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
