This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
