i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
