just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
