and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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