3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
My feet surprised me
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
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