Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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