My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
