FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
