I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
