The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
