I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I could fuck to npr.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
