i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
