My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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