I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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