I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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