I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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