I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
