carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
