It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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