Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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