totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
