Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
