forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
