I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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