we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
