im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Randomize
