i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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