You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
