and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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