the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
