OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
