My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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