Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
