So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
