I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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