I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
