my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
