my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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