I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
