hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
