So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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