Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
