3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
