Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
