she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
