Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
